I was recently trying to find a good way to explain the how I feel NOW to how I felt THEN.
I think I have the beginning of a comparison that makes sense.
I look back at the me of yesteryears and I do so without regret. I laughed as hard as anyone, and am so thankful for the journey that brought me here. I am humbled to have survived some pretty ridiculous and outrageous moments in my youth, but when I think about how I FELT and how I FEEL, I think its an easy analogy to follow.
Despite my willingness to “open up,” my emotional world was quite callous. A callus is actually a great analogy for my willingness to be receptive to “feelings.” I was never hesitant to listen or to talk, or to engage in meaningful relationships, but there was definitely a low ceiling to my abilities to FEEL.
Nowadays I feel quite the opposite. Its like when you have a paper cut or remove a sliver (or do you call them splinters?), and the slightest breeze becomes recognizable. Prior to your mini-injury the temperature, or weight of a pencil, coffee, or even shirt sleeve seemed absent, but upon the smallest change, a pin prick of “openness,” you are immediately AWARE (if not frustrated with) of all that is happening in that region of your world.
Since attending Keystone, and more so, since having Harper, I feel like I have traded in my emotional callus for an open wound. Things that were there before I completely missed and now can not help but be affected by.
The analogy works for awareness but casts a negative light on my heightened receptiveness. I do not mean for that, but it comes with the metaphor. I am MUCH more comfortable than I was before. Something about the constant awareness ( and awe) of those things worth celebrating around me makes me feel hyper-alive.
I am constantly saying thank you for the emotions I feel and witness. Happiness, sadness, love, joy, disappointment, etc. The difference of 10 years has taken a life that was fun (but callous) and made it meaningful (and open).
Random post, I know… but I couldn’t shake the thought of how drastically things have changed since my early days at GVSU to my job at Keystone. Its crazy.